Holding Your Memory: Through Recipes, Music, and Tender Care

Noticing when you remind us you’re always near.

Photo by Artem Sapegin on Unsplash

Holding Your Memory: Through Recipes, Music, and Tender Care

Your birthday quickly passed by this year, but I held onto your memory a little bit longer this time. So many memories of you have been swirling around my mind lately, that’s how I know you’re near. The countless ways you showed me such loving tender care, especially the times I’d lost all hope and fear seemed to have taken over.

Of course, I’ll never forget all the little ways you always showed up for me, ways in which I never fully verbalized my appreciation. Like when you walked me down the aisle and noticed, at the very last minute, that I'd forgotten to take off my engagement ring. Without a word, you placed your hands over mine to keep it out of the photos as we walked together. For those memorable subtle moments and many more, I hope you know they never went unnoticed.

Holding your memories close, I find myself talking to you as if you’re sitting in the same room with me. Your talent, humor, and gentle spirit still brighten my heart, even though you’re no longer within physical reach. I look for these qualities in others, seeking that kindness, that unique spark that only you had.

Lately, I’ve been reminded that you’re still near with recipes and music. Showing me your presence especially when fear creeps into my awareness. Yeah, I’m still on my healing journey.

Recipes

As I was thinking about what to make for dinner with the ground meat that was in my fridge, you came to the rescue again. Because out of the blue (or with your nudge) I remembered that Cincinnati Chili recipe that you recreated. You had that rare gift to taste a dish and pick out the exact seasonings, like a sommelier detecting each note of a fine wine.

So, I searched for the recipes that a you created and printed out for me way back in the day. It’s been a long time since I made chili that way. Though I couldn’t find them right now, I’m holding out hope that maybe they’ll appear one day as I sort through old papers.

After a few tears, I turned to ChatGPT to help me recreate that recipe. I typed, "Cincinnati Chili recipe with cardamom". That was the note you detected in this dish years ago. That’s the touch that made yours so unforgettable. I still use it in my regular chili to this day. ChatGPT quickly gave me a recipe, simple and straightforward, with no ads, photos, or endless scrolling.

Here’s a photo of what it pulled up for me:

Gathering the ingredients, I asked you (out loud) to guide me. I really wanted to recreate this shared bowl of joy that we experienced together.

I skipped the tomato paste and broth, used honey instead of sugar, and crushed just a little bit of whole allspice, just as you might have. Remembering to constantly break down the meat as it cooked for a crumbled consistency. I tasted as I went, adjusting the seasoning until the memory of your dish came to life. I added more seasoning than what the recipe called for, but in the end that bowl of chili brought me right back to you. In that moment, I felt your presence, your warmth, your love, and your healthy appetite.

Music

Just recently, your musical talents inspired me to write a song. Music is in our bloodline and you were a pro. I started experimenting with an AI tool called Suno to bring it to life with voices and instruments that I imagined you would have loved. You would have been fascinated by all the newest technology available now. I just know you’d have explored all its possibilities.

Have a listen here to my Holding Their Memories song or find me on Suno:

Mom called after I pressed the live button on this song. She wanted to talk about her burial arrangements for when her time comes. She had no idea I was writing this and I knew you’d want me to share it with her. It felt like you orchestrated this moment for us, one more reminder that your spirit is always near. Just another selfless quiet gift from you. We were both in awe.

One more thing before I go, it’s not a coincidence that my neighbor brought up her friend that dressed as a pregnant nun for Halloween one year, as did you. As they say things come in threes and tonight, that comment solidified all this for me. Thank you for showing up again.

Holding your memory, I feel your presence is with me daily. Remembering your love and tender care, your recipes and your taste in music, will forever stay close to my heart. I love and miss you and know this distance is only temporary until we meet again.

Eeeeeeyaaaaa

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What’s up with Lori K today? Explore eclectic perspectives as a Neurospcy Gender experiments with AI and disrupts societal norms.